I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
