Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Can you bring me the toilet please
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
