fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize