Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
