I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
