you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
