I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
