I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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