Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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