I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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