I don't usually arrange sex via text message
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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