I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
