Say something about gay babies.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
