I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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