I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
