Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
