The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
