She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
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He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
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She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
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