I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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