Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
