Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
