Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
