You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
