i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
she woke up with a sticky ear
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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