i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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