And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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