I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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