Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Randomize
