like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
