I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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