I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
