There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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