Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
