Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
