I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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