If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
