I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
