Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
