"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
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