Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
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I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize