I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
