brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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