Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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