When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
