I cockslap morals
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
