I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
