I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
