Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
