You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
