I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Randomize
