I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
