i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
