I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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