i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I wish there were birth control emojis
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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