Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
