He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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