what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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