Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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